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Modern Living

In the beginning, it was: Eat grains, protein and drink milk. They even made a pyramid chart to teach us this as kids. Since then, your grains are making you fat (I feel guilty buying bread now, even whole grain bread), the meat is too much and not grass fed and you are okay with slaughtering cows now? Also, your milk has too many hormones in it. Drink water, you have to drink more water, except our water has too much Fluoride (Thanks Obama) and probably lead or something. Fine, I’ll drink Bottled water, which is great if you are okay with destroying the earth in non-recyclable plastics you monster. Also, the stuff they line in the plastic bottles has a chemical in it that 1. is killing you slowly and 2. promotes weight gain in your body. Fish? Can I still eat that? Sure if you like mercury poisoning and more than half of the restaurants serving “Calamari” are actually selling you pig anus. Most “extra virgin” Olive Oil isn’t and OH MY GOD IS THAT PROCESSED MEAT YOU ARE EATING? Also, stay away from pretty much most fruits because they are covered in pesticides and will kill you. Oh, and Soda? That was created as a medical tonic, and now is killing you with Sodium and food coloring. And Sugar, don’t get me started on sugar, you are eating way too much sugar and it’s rotting your teeth out so let’s switch to sweetener substitutes right? Wrong. That sugar substitute you are using is one molecule shy of being Chlorine (humans are like one chromosome shy of being a tree FYI). Fine, back to the basics then, I’ll live off of Beef Jerky and river water except that has an alarming amount of MSG and the river water now has coal ash spilled in it. You should watch calories so companies make handy pre-made meals for you that are satisfying and have low calorie intake, which is great except that they are so full of sodium and preservatives they will outlive you. ARE YOU STILL EATING PROCESSED MEATS? PUT THAT DOWN!

Seriously.

Wine. I’m going to live off of Wine and uhm. I dunno. Soylent Green.

Embrace the future.

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